Thursday, January 29, 2015

Worst Query Ever?

I was trying to write a good query today and it just was not happening. So I decided to write a horribly bad one instead. That was so much easier. Enjoy.

(The sad part is, this is almost certainly not the worst query ever, especially since it has very few typos or grammatical errors, but I hope queries that are worse are very few and far between.)




Dear Mr. or Mrs. Agent/Editor/Publisher,

How would you like to get in on the ground floor of a mega-million dollar project? I’m writing a series of epic books that are going to take the world by storm!!!!!1 They are going to be bigger than anything you have ever seen before!!!!

What would you do if you were suddenly teleported to a world where magic was real? Not only that, but the world is also a planet in the future, where humans have just landed in spaceships! Could you survive the fight against goblins, zombies, and killer space robots with laser eyes? Not likely! But that is exactly what Veronika has to do. And will she ally herself with the unbelieveably hot Ad’da’n’kuryth of the Che’el’nolyr people (which are like elves, only much cooler!), or will she fall for the shadowy, brooding Fred, the world’s first vampire werewolf? (That’s right, he’s both!) You’ll have to read the book to find out.

The FLAMING AMETHYST series is going to be seven books long, or maybe longer if I come up with more amazing ideas. The first book, GEM FURY, is already 150,000 words long, and I’m only a third of the way done, so you know they are going to be majorly epic! The people who read my books are really going to be getting they’re monies’ worth. And you can bet that my books are going to appeal to everyone! Think of them as HARRY POTTER meets STAR TREK meets LORD OF THE RINGS meets TWILIGHT meets 50 SHADES OF GREY. Who wouldn’t like that? And just imaging all the extra money we’ll make off of the movies and merchandising, too!!!

I know my writing is great because my cats always smile when I read it to them, and when I showed a couple pages of it to my Great Aunt Esmerelda, she said she had never read anything like it before (and she reads a lot).

I didn’t attach a sample because I don’t want anyone to steal my ideas! But as soon as we sign a contract and I get my first advance check, I’ll send you the 500 pages that are done so far. Prepare to be blown away! But I want serious offers only. For a series this incredible, I won’t consider anything less than six digits (per book).

I don’t want to waste any time on this, so when I call you tomorrow, be ready to make me an offer. And I’m sending this out to over 200 people, so your offer better be big, or I’ll sign with someone else. Let’s face it: if you’re too stupid to jump on this opportunity, you can spend the rest of your life crying over it while someone else gets rich.

Sincerely,

Ima Writer

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Do you write, or are you a writer?

In church this morning, the sermon was based on translation and interpretation. Specifically, it looked at the translations of Mark 1:16-20, in which Jesus calls Simon, Andrew, James, and John to stop fishing and follow him. The two translations varied in whether Jesus tells them "Follow me and you will fish for men" or "Follow me and I will make you become fishers of men" (the first is not an exact quote, just from my faulty memory).

The difference in the two? A matter of identity. Were they going to be performing an action, or were they going to become something new and different? The minister expanded with a few examples, such as dancing. Pretty much everyone can dance, but relatively few people are dancers. We can run, but many of us have never been (and will never be) runners.

As I listened, my thoughts turned to writing. Anyone can write. We all do it from time to time. Anyone can tell a story, though many people have trouble if asked to create an original one. But is someone who write stories a writer, or does that involve something more? More importantly, how do we see ourselves?

When someone asks you what you do (for work or for fun), do you say, "I write books," or "I am a writer." I think there is a difference, and a crucial one. If you write books, stories, screenplays, or whatever else, that is wonderful. But does that make you a writer? No. You are only a writer if you believe you are a writer. If you know you are a writer. Until you know you are a writer, you are just someone who writes. And if that is what you want, let no tell you that is a bad thing.

But if you want to be a writer, don't just write, BE a writer.